Calvin's Book

Here--in his own, completely-unedited-by-a-parent words--is the story Calvin just turned in for a school project. The events he described really did happen, although I don't recall administering any beatings as he alleges. (Paul might have a different story to tell. . .)

CALVIN'S TOILET ADVENTURES

The shiny, squeaky clean toilet sat next to the white bathtub and tall counter. The counter was (or seemed) 18 inches tall. That was the perfect height for a two year old to grab something off the counter. Let’s say a razor blade.

For those of you who are wondering “How the heck did a two year old find a razor blade?” it was the plastic cartridge holding the blades. Since that’s a mouthful, I’ll just call it the razor blade. I’d seen my dad use it, but I didn’t know what it was. On a day like that, I thought it would be fun to flush stuff for sheer entertainment. Along with the razor blade, there was toilet paper, a tooth brush, and a tooth paste cap. My game was to drop the contestant in the toilet, flush the toilet, and try to retrieve the object before it was too late.

By the razor blade’s time, I was pretty proud of myself; the only object I missed was the toilet paper. Then it came the razor blade’s turn. I dropped the razor blade in the toilet, pulled the lever, and rummaged blindly through the bowl.

I don’t know if I missed the razor, or if it slipped through my fingers, but the razor blade ended up in the pipes. Using my best two year old judgment, I decided that I should scram. I really screwed up this time, so I better not get caught.

Well, life went on, and nothing happened; so I tried to act innocent rather than guilty. I did my normal routines for two or three days, until my mom ran the washing machine. When she did so, the main level toilet backed up. I was en route to use the main level toilet when said actions occurred, so it isn’t my fault I thought the earth was under attack by vicious, man-eating aliens.

What I think happened in the pipes was the razor blade entered at such an angle that it got caught in the bend. I also think that the toilet and washing machine shared a pipe with the main level toilet, and the upstairs toilet’s pipe let into that pipe. The razor blade came down the upstairs toilet pipe and got stuck in the bend.

My parents had experience with my naughtiness and knew I did something, but not what I did. They called the plumbers and made me promise to leave them alone. That very next day or so, the plumbers came and I left them alone. Before I knew it, Mom and Dad called me down to the basement. They found my last contestant, and began questioning me. Since I was only two and couldn’t really lie, I fessed up.

My punishment, you ask? Let’s just say that I couldn’t count the spankings I got. (I lost count at ten.)

After the countless “Promise me you’ll never do this again.” s, I was dismissed. Toilets and razors, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But in my bit of maniacal rage, I saw the baby (talcum) powder. I wonder........................... nah. However, ........... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...