Whose kid are you?

(The Scene: I'm getting Matthew ready for bed, and he wants to watch a movie.)

Mom: Hey buddy, let's get your teeth brushed, and we'll read a book together.

Matthew: No! Books are annoying!

Good Parenting?

This is how I let my five-year-old leave the house to run some errands with me today:




Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?



Now, I think allowing a child to go out in public wearing shorts, a swim mask, and a hoodie says, "I allow my children to express their personalities in creative ways, and I'm confident enough in my parenting skills that I feel no need to force him to change just to avoid negative judgments from others we might see as we go about our business." Other people might read it as, "I'm way too lazy to find something else for my kid to wear."

I'll let you decide for yourself.

Calvin's Book

Here--in his own, completely-unedited-by-a-parent words--is the story Calvin just turned in for a school project. The events he described really did happen, although I don't recall administering any beatings as he alleges. (Paul might have a different story to tell. . .)

CALVIN'S TOILET ADVENTURES

The shiny, squeaky clean toilet sat next to the white bathtub and tall counter. The counter was (or seemed) 18 inches tall. That was the perfect height for a two year old to grab something off the counter. Let’s say a razor blade.

For those of you who are wondering “How the heck did a two year old find a razor blade?” it was the plastic cartridge holding the blades. Since that’s a mouthful, I’ll just call it the razor blade. I’d seen my dad use it, but I didn’t know what it was. On a day like that, I thought it would be fun to flush stuff for sheer entertainment. Along with the razor blade, there was toilet paper, a tooth brush, and a tooth paste cap. My game was to drop the contestant in the toilet, flush the toilet, and try to retrieve the object before it was too late.

By the razor blade’s time, I was pretty proud of myself; the only object I missed was the toilet paper. Then it came the razor blade’s turn. I dropped the razor blade in the toilet, pulled the lever, and rummaged blindly through the bowl.

I don’t know if I missed the razor, or if it slipped through my fingers, but the razor blade ended up in the pipes. Using my best two year old judgment, I decided that I should scram. I really screwed up this time, so I better not get caught.

Well, life went on, and nothing happened; so I tried to act innocent rather than guilty. I did my normal routines for two or three days, until my mom ran the washing machine. When she did so, the main level toilet backed up. I was en route to use the main level toilet when said actions occurred, so it isn’t my fault I thought the earth was under attack by vicious, man-eating aliens.

What I think happened in the pipes was the razor blade entered at such an angle that it got caught in the bend. I also think that the toilet and washing machine shared a pipe with the main level toilet, and the upstairs toilet’s pipe let into that pipe. The razor blade came down the upstairs toilet pipe and got stuck in the bend.

My parents had experience with my naughtiness and knew I did something, but not what I did. They called the plumbers and made me promise to leave them alone. That very next day or so, the plumbers came and I left them alone. Before I knew it, Mom and Dad called me down to the basement. They found my last contestant, and began questioning me. Since I was only two and couldn’t really lie, I fessed up.

My punishment, you ask? Let’s just say that I couldn’t count the spankings I got. (I lost count at ten.)

After the countless “Promise me you’ll never do this again.” s, I was dismissed. Toilets and razors, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But in my bit of maniacal rage, I saw the baby (talcum) powder. I wonder........................... nah. However, ........... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Calvin and Outsourcing - Part 2

First, some clarifying comments about the situation I described last night.

Chores around the house are NOT tied to compensation, one cleans one's room because it is part of living here. If chores go undone, privileges are revoked.

Separate from all this is allowance. The kids need to learn to live on a budget, learn how to save, and make some financial mistakes in a low-risk environment. Both the kids are getting much better about saving their money, so I feel like this is working.

I was really happy with this arrangement until yesterday. Calvin found the loophole, and exploited it. The requirement has always been "make sure your room is clean before {x}." We have never explicitly stated that Calvin has to clean Calvin's room. We now have to decide whether the important thing is that the work gets done or that Calvin is the one who does the work.

In another Calvin moment this evening, he is working on mathematical models to calculate the cost of various activites. For example, if he walks across the room to get something for mom, that will cost us (not him, since we buy his shoes) a couple cents. The rationale is that if a pair of shoes cost $20, there is a finite number of steps that can be taken before the shoes are worn out. By extension, the cost of each step is $20 / total finite steps that can be taken.

He's begun working on a more sophisticated model called "going to school" which calculates the cost of not only wear and tear on shoes, but wear and tear on clothes, gas consumed in driving the car to/from, lunch, etc.

He hasn't actually come out and said it, but I assume that this will all ultimately lead up to him telling us how it saves us money to let us stay home from school, or when we ask him to do something, how it actually costs us money to have him do it.

It appears that it will soon be time to introduce the corporate accounting concept of "cross-charging" where he responsible for his portion of every expense the corporation (or household in this case) incurs. In other words, we'll start charging for food and rent.

Calvin has Discovered Outsourcing

I was doing the lawn tonight and needed some help cleaning up because it was getting dark. Thomas is trying to earn some money to buy a Nintendo DS, so I offerred to give him a couple bucks to come out and help me finish up.

Thomas then proceeds to tell me that he and Calvin have been working on a deal where Calvin will pay him "like $3/week" to do his chores for him. My initial thought was that if Calvin wants to spend his money this way, I suppose he's entitled to. But then I remembered we pay Calvin $5.50/week, so the little putz would basically be earning $2.50/week to sit around and do nothing.

I think it's time to revisit the compensation structure around here. Alternatively, I'd like to see if there's some way I could apply this technique to my situation.

Thomas has a rudimentary understanding of the birds and the bees

Uncle Joel: Hey Thomas, how'd you lose your voice?

Thomas: Well, either I'm going through puberty, or I have a cold.

Calvin is on his way to becoming a Hollywood casting director

Calvin surfs past an extremely dumb kids' show while watching TV.

Mom: What IS that?

Calvin: Well, I think they got a bunch of actors in a room, had them all draw straws, and the six who got the short straws had to be in this show.