Long-Blog

Thomas' First Film

2011-04-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Here's a project Thomas did for a film festival project at school. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty impressed! He did all the work himself: storyboard, drawing, animation, editing, downloading music, adding the soundtrack, burning a DVD to take to school. My entire contribution was emailing his teacher to ask for the username and password for the free music site. The rest is all him.

Playing in the Snow

2011-01-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures from the recent Sawyer cousins' visit. They live in Southern California, and this was the first time a few of the kids had seen snow.

Veronica wasn't quite sure what she thought about the cold white stuff.

Neither was Zoe.

Kenzie, however, had no such misgivings.

Quinn just wanted to help bury Thomas in snow.

Thomas WANTED to be buried in the snow.

No, really!

Don't worry about Thomas, though; he can take care of himself.

Calvin tried to play it cool.

But it didn't last long.

And poor Max just wanted to come in out of the cold. (I would have more sympathy for him if he'd actually put on one of the many coats available to him.)

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T10:35:00.000-08:00

Yeah, we haven't been around much lately. Or at all. Unless you're Facebook friends with us, you might think we've disappeared off the face of the earth. I'll try to make more regular appearances around here (no promises), but until that happens, here's a little taste of what we've been up to:

A Song I Composed Today

2010-05-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

I hate this project,
I hate the science fair.
Thomas is dawdling,
I'm tearing out my hair.
Why does Ms. Bunderson
Torture the parents so?
Boom de ya da, boom de ya da,
Boom de ya da, boom de ya da. . .

Wow, that's. . . umm. . . descriptive

2010-04-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

Mom: How was school today?

Thomas: It was okay, but there was this really weird smell in the front hall. It was like the smelliest dog in the world and the smelliest fish in the world got married, and then they had a baby, and then the baby puked, and then the dog ate the puke, and then the dog pooped, and now the poop is decomposing in the front hall of the school.

A Boy and his Snake

2010-04-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

This is Buster.

Buster is a garter snake. He lives in a park by a creek. He likes to bask in the sun. He likes to slither through the grass. He likes to eat bugs and small fish.

One day some boys were playing in the park. One of the boys built a trap and caught Buster.

"Look!" he said. "I caught a snake!"

"I like that snake," said one of the other boys. "I would like to have it as a pet."

"I will sell you the snake for five dollars," said the first boy.

"Okay," said the second boy, whose name was Thomas. Thomas gave the boy five dollars and took Buster home.

Thomas' mommy was very surprised to see Buster.

"Aaah! A snake!" she said.

"This is a nice snake. His name is Buster. I would like to keep him as a pet," said Thomas.

"Well, okay," said Thomas' mommy. She was a very nice mommy.

Thomas put Buster into an empty fish tank. He put the lid on the tank. It was a nice lid, but it was not made for snakes. The lid had small holes in it. Buster crawled through one of the holes and out of the tank. Thomas caught Buster and put him back in the tank. Buster crawled out of a different hole. Thomas put Buster back again. Thomas put tape over the holes. Thomas was worried that Buster would still get out of the tank.

Thomas did not get very much sleep that night.

In the morning, Thomas told his mommy, "Buster crawled out of the tank many times last night."

Thomas' mommy said, "Please go check that Buster is in the tank right now."

Buster was in the tank.

Thomas' mommy said, "Let us go to the pet store and buy a better lid for the tank." She was a very nice mommy, but she did not want a snake crawling around her house.

The man at the pet store said, "Here is a lid that will keep your snake from crawling out of the tank."

The man at the pet store said, "Here is a special lamp that will keep your snake warm."

The man at the pet store said, "Here is a special light bulb to go in the lamp."

The man at the pet store said, "Here is some sand to put in the bottom of the tank to keep your snake comfortable."

The man at the pet store said, "Here is a bowl to put water in for your snake to drink."

The man at the pet store said, "Here are some feeder fish to feed your snake."

The man at the pet store said, "Here are some crickets to feed your snake."

The man at the pet store said, "You need to buy all these things."

Thomas' mommy said, "Well, okay." She was a very nice mommy.

Thomas and his mommy took the things home. They put the sand in the bottom of the tank. They put the water bowl on the sand. They put water in the bowl. They put the feeder fish in the water. They put the crickets in the tank. They put the new lid on the tank. They put the special light bulb in the special lamp. Thomas accidentally dropped the lamp. The special light bulb broke.

Thomas and his mommy drove to the pet store again to buy a new light bulb. Thomas had a very nice mommy.

They put Buster in the tank. Buster looked at the sand. Buster looked at the water. Buster looked at the fish. Buster looked at the crickets. Buster did not eat any of the fish. He did not eat any of the crickets. He did not drink the water.

Buster did not look happy.

Thomas started to feel bad. He thought that maybe taking Buster away from his home in the park was a mean thing to do. He wondered if he should take Buster back to the park.

Thomas went to his mommy and daddy. He was crying. He said, "I think I should take Buster back to the park and let him go."

Thomas' mommy and daddy were proud of him for being such a kind boy. Thomas' mommy wondered if maybe Thomas could have thought of this before they bought all the things from the man at the pet store, but she did not say that to Thomas. She was a very nice mommy.

Thomas' whole family went to the park with Buster. Thomas was sad. He wanted Buster to be happy, but he knew that he would miss Buster a lot when Buster went back to his home in the park.

Thomas was sad.

Thomas' little sister was sad.

Thomas' little brother was sad.

Thomas' mommy was sad to see her children sad, but that did not stop her from taking pictures of them.

Thomas and his big brother put Buster in a bucket. They walked to the place where the boy had caught Buster.

Thomas took Buster out of the bucket.

Thomas was sad.

Thomas put Buster in the water.

Buster was happy to be in the water.

He swam very fast.

Buster slithered under the grass at the edge of the creek.

He was happy to be home.

Buster looked at Thomas.

"Goodbye, Buster," said Thomas.

Trip report

2010-04-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

Sherise isn't back from Nigeria yet, so I'm filling in until she returns.

Many have asked about my trip to Haiti. There's a lot to tell, and I'm not sure where to start, so as the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Here are 100+ photos to get started.

Pictures from Paul

2010-03-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

Paul left yesterday morning for Haiti. He flew from here to Chicago, then Miami, and finally Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic. The group spent last night in a hotel in Santo Domingo and were planning to take a bus across the border to Haiti today. Paul managed to find wireless internet and send a few pictures this morning.

Here's the bus they'll be taking. He heard it's a 7-8 hour trip.

Sign on the bus windshield.

Paul's caption on Facebook says, "Hotel in the DR was a dump but it was on the beach at least." I'm guessing he won't think it's such a dump after he's been sleeping in a tent for over a week.

The guy in the middle is Blair Hankin, who was a missionary in Haiti the same time we were and is the only other Creole speaker in the group. The other two are "Will and Melanie," and I have no idea who they are.

Hotel beach.

I doubt I'll be hearing much from him while he's there, but if he manages to send anything else I'll post it here.

We're Still Here

2010-03-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hi there, remember us? The people who used to have a blog here? We're still alive, just neglecting our bloggy duties.

It's not much of an excuse, but we have been a little distracted lately. Many of you already know this, but Paul and I both served LDS missions in Haiti in the late 80s/early 90s. We've felt heartsick and helpless as we've watched the coverage of the earthquake and its aftermath. We've both felt like we want to just hop on a plane and get down there and do something, ANYTHING, to help the people and the country we love.

Well, an opportunity has finally come up for one of us to do exactly that. Paul is going to Haiti on Tuesday with an organization called Haiti Sak Plen. He'll be there for about a week and a half with a small group who will help rebuild houses damaged in the quake. He and one other guy (Hi Blair!) will be the only Creole speakers, and the other four or so guys are contractors/construction experts. They've got a source from whom they can purchase building supplies, and they'll hire day laborers down there to help with the grunt work. I'm very excited for him to go, and also a little jealous. I'll try to keep you posted on his adventures as they happen, and I'm sure he'll have plenty of stories and pictures once he gets back.

Pumpkin Carving Fun

2009-11-12T10:09:00.001-08:00

Hey Calvin, you look like you're having fun. Let me take a picture of you carving your pumpkin.

Umm, okay, that's not quite what I had in mind. Let me see your face.

No, seriously, give me a big smile!

This time can you open your eyes?

Never mind. I'll just take a picture of your pumpkin.

Now see, Thomas is an obedient child. When I say, "Hey Thomas, look at the camera," he does!

I'm willing to overlook the fact that his murder victim pumpkin is a little disturbing.

Especially when he poses with it it like he's the one who just discovered the body. That's funny!

How about Dad? He's carving a special request from Katie.

Recognize this guy? If you're up on your Disney animated movies, you'll know that it's Mike Wazowski from "Monsters, Inc."

See, look how happy Katie is with Dad's creation. Doesn't she look excited? Hey Katie, let me get a picture with you smi. . . You know what? Never mind.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Fox Network executives, are you listening?

2009-11-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

Here's Calvin's idea for a new TV show: "They should combine House, Fringe, and 24, and make a show about Jack Bauer as a doctor who deals with paranormal events and saves the U.S. from terrorism."

I think it's a great idea, don't you?

I have some ammunition the next time he makes fun of me for doing something absentminded

2009-10-23T08:37:00.001-07:00

As I was backing the car out of the driveway this morning to take him to school, Calvin looked down and said, "Oh. I need shoes," and went running back in the house.

Guess who's been watching "Wayne's World?"

2009-10-21T11:29:00.001-07:00

(Thomas tells me something cool in the car the other day.)

Mom: No way!
Thomas: Way!

Thomas' "No Homework" Dance

2009-10-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe I shouldn't laugh at the pelvic thrusts, but I think they're funny!

Where did Paul go?

2009-09-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Paul hasn't posted in a while. Where's he been? Riding his bike - until recently when he had a "little accident"

He got a little dirty

Skinned his knee

Broke a bone (notice the lump behind the pinky)

And got it patched up (the straight black lines are pins)

When he gets back on the bike in a couple more weeks, you can follow his adventures here

Dinner Table Conversation with a Ten Year Old

2009-09-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

Mom: Okay, Thomas, after dinner you need to get your homework done. Dinner, homework. Dinner, homework. Dinner, homework. Got it?

Thomas: Dinner, homework, beat Calvin up, right?

Mom: Sure.

Thomas: Really?!?

Mom: Yeah, as long as you're willing to accept the consequences.

Thomas: Oh, boo hoo. So I lose a kidney. I have two!

Bo-Ring

2009-09-04T09:02:00.001-07:00

I feel so sorry for the kids when Grandpa Dave comes to visit.

He's just so boring.

He never does anything with them.

He really doesn't like kids very much.

He pretty much ignores them.

He doesn't relate to them at all.

Nope, he just really doesn't understand kids.

Poor guy. He doesn't know what he's missing.

I bet he could have a lot of fun if he'd only try.

Recipe from Thomas

2009-09-04T08:58:00.001-07:00

Thomas just asked me to share his original recipe for popsicles. I'm so proud of him!

1/4 cup orange juice
1/4 cup limeade

Pour into each socket of popsicle mold.
Freeze for 5 hours (or overnight).
(If it doesn't come out dunk in warm water.)
(If it still doesn't come out use knife.)

Playing in the Fountains

2009-08-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

Paul's parents live in a planned community that has lots of fun features like this plaza full of fountains.

Max stepping on a jet.

Thomas is showing the water who's boss.

Calvin aiming a stream of water at Max. He got some pretty good distance on that shot!

Baby Cedric with Uncle Neal. I wish I had a better picture of him belly laughing, but this is the best one I got.

Katie would stand over a jet and wait for it to hit her in the booty.

Max practicing his scary face.

Calvin showing off his best superhero pose.

Setting a Good Example for our Children

2009-08-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

Thomas whispered, "I'm boooored," to me during church today (how can a kid whisper and whine at the same time?), so I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote at the top "Once upon a time there was a polar bear named Bob. . ." and passed it over to him. He was having none of it--he just wrote "The End" and pushed the paper aside. But Uncle Neal, who was attending church with us today to hear Calvin's very first talk--he did a great job!--took the paper and started writing. Here's what happened next:

(Sherise) Once upon a time, there was a polar bear named Bob. . .

(Thomas) The End

(Neal) He was one day scavenging for food when a surfacing Russian submarine crashed through the ice.

(Paul gets into the act) One of the Russian sailors needed to use the bathroom quite badly and jumped out of the submarine and onto the ice field right in front of Bob.

(Sherise) "Ewww!" said Bob. "I thought only bears did that out in the open!"

"Wow, a talking bear!" cried the sailor.

(Thomas sees that this is actually kind of fun) "Uh oh," said Bob. "This is all an illusion."

"Oh, okay," said the sailor.

(Neal) "The illusion is that I'm speaking Russian. The truth? You are speaking BEAR. I've met many Eskimos, but never such a hairy man! And no one who could speak to me."

(Paul) "Give me three reasons why I should not eat you right now," said Bob in his very best Russian.

"Give me three reasons should not shoot you right now," said the sailor in his very best BEAR.

(Sherise) "Well, the first reason would be that you don't have a gun," said Bob, whose Russian was getting better by the moment.

"Oh. Good point," said the sailor, whose BEAR was still shaky at best.

(Thomas) "And my fur is bulletproof."

(Neal) "Let me stop you right there. There is something you should know about me," said the Russian.

(Paul) "Guns and thick hides do not matter," said the sailor. "Without even touching you, I can shoot negative chi through your body using the ancient King Fu technique of Feng-shui," he said in his very best BEAR.

(Thomas) "Boring!" said the bear. "Can I just eat you now?"

(Neal) The sailor thought he was done using the bathroom until he saw black sharp claws extend from Bob's paws. The longest claw, the middle, was at least 12 cm in length. The sailor felt a cold shiver through his body. The chill in his bones was so deep that he could no longer feel the mess in his navy blue trousers.

Fortunately, the meeting ended at this point, so the story stopped before it could go even further down that path.

Behold the awesome power of Mexican food

2009-07-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

(I know we haven't posted in a while. I wish I had a great excuse, like we've been taking fabulous vacations, or I've just been too busy planning exciting and enriching activities for my children every day, but the truth is, we've been plain lazy! I'll try to get back in the swing of things soon, but in the meantime, here's a little tidbit to keep you going.)

The Scene: Calvin's buddy Edward is visiting from Colorado for a few days, and our whole family is at the Red Iguana restaurant with Edward and his parents. Edward--a notoriously picky eater--is persuaded by his mom to try a bite of her entree.

EDWARD: Wow! My brain is trying to tell me to be picky, but the food is so good, I . . . I . . . CAN'T!

Maybe I should consider homeschooling?

2009-07-06T15:11:00.001-07:00

Starting in August, I will have four children in three different schools. (And really, it's more like three and a half schools, because one will be in half-day kindergarten.) This is not the school board's fault.

None of those children attend the school for which we live in the boundaries; therefore, we will be responsible for transporting them to and from school each day. Again, not the school board's fault if we chose to enroll them in non-boundary schools.

The elementary school has an early dismissal every Friday. I don't have a problem with that.

Last May, we received a letter from the middle school, informing us they were considering modifying their schedule to allow "collaboration time" for the faculty. This would involve either a late start or an early dismissal one day a week. I don't have a problem with that, as long as the time is used for its intended purpose and doesn't become "the faculty uses this period to perform personal errands or sneak out to the nearest bar" time. I filled out the survey and noted my preference for an early dismissal on Friday, to coordinate with the elementary school's schedule. (I should note that this is the elementary that feeds into this middle school, so one would expect I'm not the only parent with children in both schools.)

The school board didn't listen. This is where I start to have a little problem with them.

We just got another letter: the middle school will have . . . tadah! . . . a late start on Fridays.

So starting in late August, this is what my Friday schedule will look like:

8:40 am: Drop off Thomas and Max.
9:25 am: Drop off Calvin.
10:45 am: Pick up Max.
1:40 pm: Pick up Thomas.
2:50 pm: Pick up Calvin.
(Katie, thankfully, doesn't have school on Fridays, or this would be even more heinous.)

Every. Friday. All. School year. Long.

Just shoot me now.

Oh, THAT'S what the video means! Why didn't they just say so?

2009-07-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I used to LOVE this song. I don't know how I managed never to see the video until I saw this version a few weeks ago. Enjoy!

==>Warning: they use the word dou***bag in the song, so if that's going to offend you, please don't click!

This makes me happy

2009-07-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

Tell me this doesn't make you smile, too.

Really, Sign? Really?

2009-06-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

Just spotted this sign as I was out running errands:

"Are covers and truck toppers are the best!"

Ugh.

Yogurt and wet pants: why do they always do these things five minutes before we have to leave the house?

2009-06-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

Calvin's Scout Project

2009-06-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

This is the project Calvin just finished to earn his Cinematography merit badge in Boy Scouts. Enjoy!

Another picture of Max sleeping

2009-06-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

That's Paul's iPod--Max's favorite toy--under his cheek. He calls it "Dad's cell phone with no buttons."

Highway to the danger zone

2009-06-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

Katie, age 3, trying to get Mom to drive faster:

"Speed of sound, Mom! Speed of sound!"

How Katie entertained herself during church on Sunday

2009-06-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

Good thing Mom wore sandals.

And as an added bonus, the stickers kept her entertained the rest of the day at home!

Gee, I'm So Glad We Live On A Former Creek Bed: Why We've Only Dug One Garden Box So Far

2009-05-23T20:08:00.001-07:00

In order to plant these:

We first have to dig out these:

Congratulations, Thomas!

2009-05-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

Hey, guess whose team just won the Creative Pursuits competition for the entire school district?

This guy's!

A Limerick by Thomas

2009-04-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

There once was an old lady
Ya know she was from Haiti
And though she was mean
She also loved green
So she married a leprechaun.

(Found by Mom in his backpack.)

Just in case President Obama needs any more cabinet members

2009-04-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

(The scene: Mom has been trying to beat a certain level of a computer game for quite some time, with no luck.)

Calvin: Can I play? I have a new strategy I want to try.

Mom: What's the strategy?

Calvin: I'm going to close my eyes, move the mouse around randomly, and click as fast as I can. A lot of things in life are better when you just close your eyes and hope for the best. Like the economy!

Well, I guess they don't get my jokes either, so it's only fair

2009-04-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

Katie: Knock knock.
Max: Who's there?
Katie: Quesadilla.
Max: Quesadilla who?
Katie: Quesdilla guy!
(Hysterical laughter from both children.)

Katie: Knock knock.
Max: Who's there?
Katie: Bucket.
Max: Bucket who?
Katie: Bucket full of eggs lady!
(Cue laughter again.)

And now, it's time for me to brag on my son

2009-04-02T15:57:00.001-07:00

The elementary school had a fundraising Math-a-Thon today. Every kid in the school did 100 math problems. Theoretically, they've spent the past couple weeks getting pledges from friends and neighbors for finishing said problems. Fortunately for our family, the pledges aren't actually due until next week. (If you get a call from one of my kids, please be nice and support them. Hey, I didn't let them sell you crummy wrapping paper last fall, so do a sister a solid this time around, okay?)

Anyhoo, I was at the school correcting the 6th grade students' papers. The parent volunteers were in the 6th grade common area, and kids from all the classrooms would bring us their papers, we'd correct them, they'd redo the ones they missed, we'd correct them again, rinse, lather, repeat. The mom across the table from me looked up from the paper she was correcting and said, "This kid is a rock star! He hasn't missed one problem. I wish he were my kid." I glanced at the name, tried not to look too smug, and said, "Yeah, that's MY kid."

I wish they got along this well when they were awake!

2009-03-28T11:10:00.001-07:00

Guess who's gunning for "Favorite Child" status?

2009-03-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

Thomas not only made this (using dry-erase marker so it would wash off later), he got out the camera and took the picture himself. All together now: Awwwwww.

Cupcake Fun

2009-03-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

The Cub Scouts held their Blue and Gold Banquet last night, and each scout was supposed to bring a patriotic dessert. Here's Thomas with his cupcakes.
Yeah, I don't know what's up with the arm, either, but I thought he had a cute smile. Here's a closeup on one of the cupcakes.The "Star-Spangled-est Dessert" award was well deserved, don't you think? I got some pre-made fondant and star-shaped cookie cutters for him to play with. Fondant looks cool and is fun to decorate with, but man, does it ever taste naaaasty.

And here's Katie helping to show off the cupcakes. Note the uncombed hair at 5:00 in the afternoon. That, my friends, is a mark of good parenting.

Sleepy Max

2009-03-24T13:05:00.001-07:00

Do you remember being five years old and still possessing the ability to fall asleep anywhere, including the middle of a staircase?
Ah, to be young and carefree again.

Yet another home improvement project by Katie

2009-03-24T13:03:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's washable paint. No, I still haven't managed to get all of it off the underside of the table.

You know what's fun about having a younger sister?

2009-02-24T10:21:00.001-08:00

Lots of hair elastics lying around the house.

My baby's growing up

2009-02-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

Mom, to Calvin, from her cell phone: Dad and I are going to pick up Chipotle for lunch. What do you want?

Calvin: Chicken burrito, black beans, mild salsa with a little splash of hot.

Mom: Wow, hot salsa, are you sure?

Calvin: Yeah, it's time to put on the big boy pants.

Thanks for the compliment, honey, but I still think it's time I start locking the bathroom door.

2009-02-13T08:34:00.001-08:00

Max, to Mom, after walking in on her about to step into the shower: "Whoa, your boobs are AWESOME!"

This is what happens when I leave my makeup within Katie's reach

2009-01-28T10:06:00.000-08:00

Can you see why we think he's a 42-year-old man trapped in a 9-year-old boy's body?

2009-01-12T13:08:00.001-08:00

Mom: What book are you reading?

Calvin: Eldest.

Thomas: Wait, haven't you already read that?

Calvin: Well, haven't YOU already read The 39 Clues?

Thomas: Touche.

Sherise turns the big 4-0

2009-01-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have to start by saying that Paul really stepped it up this year. He really did. A few months ago, I asked if he wanted to talk about how we were going to celebrate my birthday this year. (I don't usually care about making a big fuss, big hey, this one has a zero at the end of it, and I wanted to make sure I greeted it in style.) Paul just smiled and said, "Don't worry, I've got you covered." Honestly, I had my doubts about whether he truly realized the significance of his wife beginning a new decade and whether he would put sufficient thought and planning into whatever he was smiling about. I should never have doubted him. (Sorry, honey!)

On New Year's Eve, I came down with the bug that had been running through our family. Nothing serious, just a little achiness and a low level overall crummy feeling, but it was enough that I came home early from the neighbors' party and spent the rest of the evening and the next day in bed. For some strange reason, Paul seemed irritated that I was sick. Which, of course, made me irritated in return--why was he getting upset about something that was clearly Not My Fault and that I Would Much Rather Have Avoided? Well, it's because he had plans to take me somewhere really cool that night, and I was obviously not going to be up for it. He finally fessed up that he had arranged for my mom to stay overnight with the kids so he could surprise me with a trip for my birthday. Aww, isn't he sweet? (I STILL don't think he should have been mad about my getting sick, but I'll let that one slide.) I asked if he couldn't just reschedule everything for the next day, and he said he wasn't sure, but he'd try.

So perhaps I wasn't 100% surprised to be whisked off to the Homestead Resort the next night after a lovely dinner out with my husband, but he did manage to maintain a little mystery by not telling me whether he'd actually managed to get new reservations, and then not telling me where we were going once we were on our way. And the snowmobiling trip the next morning? TOTAL surprise, and the most fun I've had in a long time. Check out these pictures:

Don't we look like we're having fun? (Paul did have his own snowmobile, BTW. He just hopped on mine for the picture.) My smile probably would have been bigger, but my face muscles were too cold to move any further.

Good job, Paul, right? But wait, there's more! (This is like the infomercial of birthdays.) Monday, my actual birthday, he booked a massage for me at a local spa. He planned to pick up some takeout on his way home from work while I was getting fluffed and buffed so I wouldn't have to cook on my birthday. So after Haylie the massage therapist had worked her magic and I'd hung out in the sauna and steam room for a while, I sauntered on home, only to find the final birthday surprise: a party! A roomful of family and friends singing "Happy Birthday," pizza, two kinds of cake (oh, he knows me well), and a general feeling of being fussed over. Yeah, I'd say it was a pretty good birthday. Now I've got until April of next year to plan something great for Paul's 40th. I'm taking suggestions.

(NOTE: If you are a friend who didn't get an invite to the party, please accept my and Paul's apologies. Obviously, he couldn't exactly ask me who all I wanted there without letting the cat out of the bag. And if you're a friend/family member who did get invited and RSVPed that you were coming, but lives in Utah Valley, thank you for NOT coming, so we didn't have to worry about you driving home in that massive snowstorm.)

Why our children love it when Uncle Brandon comes to visit

2009-01-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

Life Lesson

2009-01-11T20:57:00.001-08:00

This weekend, I learned that even if one has been a diligent Weight Watchers member for the past month and a half, and one has lost 12 pounds, and one's jeans are sliding off of one's rapidly shrinking hips, one should not pull an old pair of pants that one hasn't worn in five years and two kids out of the closet just to see how close one is to one's former self. One is likely to be unpleasantly surprised, and realize just how much weight one still has to lose, and spend the rest of the weekend wondering how one let oneself get so stinking fat in the first place.

Sigh.

Another bad parenting moment

2009-01-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

The set-up: We're at Chipotle yesterday and Calvin dares Thomas to eat a lemon wedge. Thinking he won't be able do it, Calvin offers Thomas $5 if he can eat the whole thing. Thomas promptly eats the whole thing and collects his $5.

Kaching.

Calvin then decides to go double-or-nothing with Thomas. This time, it's a lime wedge, again, Calvin thinks Thomas can't do it. Wrong.

Kaching. Thomas now has $10 for eating two pieces of citrus.

Calvin, now out $10, is trying to make some of his money back. At this point, as a responsible parents, we should have intervened. Instead, we joined the frenzy. I offered Calvin $5 if he could eat five chips smothered in Chipotle's hottest salsa.

After the first three, Calvin thought he had it in the bag. By chip four, his mouth was on fire and his eyes were watering. After chip five he guzzled an entire soda and said "that wasn't worth it."

Then Thomas piped up. He wanted to try the same challenge. We let him.

He starts out well.

This picture doesn't do it justice, but Thomas is beginning to look injured (he has a low threshold for pain).

Much to everyone's surprise, he did it. He ate all five smothered chips.

Kaching. That's good money for a few minutes work. Thomas got the last laugh on all of us.

Or so he thought.

10 minutes later while shopping in a nearby store, Thomas says he thought he was going to throw up. So we found a restroom ASAP. Sure enough, the boy hurled three times. A few minutes later, he says "I think it's coming out the other side now!" Back into the bathroom.

So he didn't get the last laugh after all. But we let him keep the money. Today, he went to the pet store and spent some of his hard-earned cash on a black and red newt (or is it a salamander? It looks cool in any case).

Katie's Home Improvement Project

2008-12-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed we haven't been posting a lot lately. We've been a little busy trying to get the %&^$&# basement finished. It's been a slow process, but we're nearly done. The carpet is in, and now all we need is the closet doors hung and a lid installed on the window seat. We've hired most of the work out--if you ever need a contractor/general handyman, have we got a great guy for you! Seriously, his name is Sheldon, and if you want his phone number, just ask. He's good.

Anyway, we decided we could handle the painting ourselves, so we took it on over a few weekends and nights. (Have you ever painted over new drywall? It drinks paint. You can practically hear the sucking sound as the primer hits it. I kept having to go back to Home Depot for more primer.) Our poor kids got completely ignored last weekend as we frantically tried to finish before the carpet installer came. I think Katie was inspired by our efforts, because she decided to pitch in with a little painting of her own.

Aww, wasn't that nice of her? She decorated the still-unfinished window seat. Here's a closer look at her handiwork.

Here's her brush, stuck into the tube of acrylic paint thoughtfully left out by her oldest brother after a school project.And here's the proud artist showing off her work.

She was careful, I'll grant her that. Not a drop of paint on the brand new carpet. That's why she's still alive.

Random comment from Thomas

2008-11-12T14:44:00.000-08:00

Max: Mom, what does "fool" mean?

Thomas: It's someone who made a bad choice, as in, "You fool! You bought a rabbit farm, but forgot to buy the rabbits!"

2008-11-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

Calvin just came up with an alternate ending for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(The alien spaceship is taking off from Earth, when all of a sudden it crashes to the ground.)

Alien 1: Carl, did you fill the gas tank?

Alien 2: No, sorry, I didn't.

Alien 1: What do you mean? I saw you go over to the gas station yesterday!

Alien 2: I only had a 20 in my wallet.

Alien 1: A 20 can buy you a week's supply of gas!

Alien 2: Well, sorr-ee, I bought a soda. At least I don't spend my money on Sports Illustrated!

Alien 1: Okay, there's an easy way to solve this. HEY INDY! CAN WE BORROW SOME MONEY FOR GAS? WHAT?!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LEFT YOUR WALLET IN THE CAR THAT JUST WENT OFF THE CLIFF?!? That's it, Carl, we're gonna invade Earth as soon as we get that death ray up and running.

(The spaceship takes off after 3 more hours of arguing.)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I can't make this stuff up, folks. He just came up with that off the top of his head at the dinner table. Frankly, I think it's an improvement on the original.

You Pick a Title

2008-10-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

What's a better title for this post, this one:

Another Fine Parenting Moment, Brought to You by PlayStation

or this one?

Mom and Dad Need to Keep the Volume Down So They Don't Disturb the Kids (No, Not THAT Way, You Perv!)

(The Scene: Thomas is calling home from school in the middle of the day.)

Thomas: Mom, can you come pick me up? I feel really crummy.

Mom: Are you sick, sweetie?

Thomas: Well, I think I'm just tired. I had a hard time falling asleep last night. You and Dad kept me up late when you were playing Rock Band.

R.I.P. Spotty

2008-10-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

We regret to announce the passing of Spotty the Miracle Fish. He died peacefully in his sleep at the ripe old age of 3-1/2. He will be missed.

I am woman, hear me whine

2008-10-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

I finished my 5th triathlon this morning. Before you get too impressed, though, I should point out that they've all been sprint distance events (400 to 800 meter swim, 9 to 12 mile bike, 5K run) and not IronMan length (2 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run). And that's five spread over the course of the past four years, although the last two have been within the past month. (Okay, I guess you can be just a little impressed.) I actually wasn't planning on doing this race, but my friend Stacey signed up, and this was going to be her first race, and I didn't want her to have to drive down all by herself, so I registered, too. I'm nice like that.

We've had beautiful weather the past few weeks, with temperatures reaching the low 80s most days. This week has been no exception, until, of course, today. I knew it was supposed to be cooler, with highs in the low 60s, but I thought the rain wasn't supposed to roll in until the afternoon. Nope. When I went out to load my stuff in the car at 7 a.m., it was POURING rain. And cold. As we drove to the race location, the car said the ambient temperature was 52.

This is how everyone was dressed before the start of the race.

And this is how we had to dress to start the swim. Do we look cold? We were! The pool was indoors, but the transition area (where we had to leave our stuff) was outside in the freezing rain, and we had to cross a parking lot and a baseball field barefoot to get to the race start. See that black lump on the ground, between the two bike tires? That would be one of the garbage bags that we went and purchased at a nearby grocery store in a vain attempt to keep at least some of our gear dry. (We also handed some out to other grateful triathletes.) (Did I mention it was wet? And cold?)

Since I hadn't planned to do this race until a week ago, I never really felt like I got mentally geared up for it. I kept thinking, "Oh, I'm just going down to keep Stacey company. I don't really care how I do. I'm just going to take it easy." And I just kept that attitude up all the way through the race. Good thing, because if I'd had a time goal in mind, I wouldn't have even come close. I'm not a fast cyclist anyway, and this ride was pretty tough, with rain pelting me every inch of the 11.5 miles, water and dirt getting kicked up into my face by the bike tires, and a stiff headwind on the downhill section. I've never been so happy to get off a bike! (Stacey said she actually had a lot of fun on the bike leg. I think I hate her.) After that ride, I couldn't even feel my legs for the first mile or so of the run. And then once I was finally loosened up, a slight nagging stiffness in my right hip suddenly flared into a sharp stabbing pain that forced me to walk a lot more than I wanted to. Good times.

All of the information in the above paragraph is my way of making excuses for the fact that Stacey completely kicked my booty in the race! She beat me by almost five minutes. Way to go, tri newbie! I think I beat her on the swim and the run, but she totally smoked me on the bike and both transitions. But the greater good has been served, because now she's been bitten by the tri bug, and we're already planning to get a group of moms together for some races next year. If you want to join us, just let me know. I mean, who wouldn't want to participate in an event that makes your formerly white shoes and socks look like this?

More Max Pictures

2008-10-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

He took these all on his own last night at his soccer game. I wasn't even touching the camera, just had my hand underneath it in case he lost his grip. (He didn't.)

Why do you call Matthew "Max?"

2008-09-29T08:44:00.001-07:00

Blame Rosemary Wells. She wrote a series of books, which was later developed into an animated show, about two bunnies named Max and Ruby.

Max is a determined, creative, rambunctious 3-year-old, and his 7-year-old sister Ruby takes care of him but also bosses him around. Here's how a Wikipedia article describes the show:

Each episode consists of three self-contained vignettes. Within each, Ruby is typically engaged in some sort of project or activity, while Max has a particular mania of his own which either runs counter to his sister's or distracts her. Amusingly, Max's dialog within each story is usually limited to just one word or a two-word phrase, which he repeats periodically for the rest of the episode until the end, sometimes saying a different word. For example, "Tow truck!" or "Jellyballs!" By the end of the story, Max's passion often dovetails with Ruby's in some way, to her benefit and delight.

Basically, Matthew IS Max. He fixates on an idea and repeats it over and over in as simple a way as possible, refusing to be distracted, until the bigger people around him finally catch on.

About a year and a half ago, Matthew informed me that his name was now Max. I played along, figuring it'd last a couple of days and then he'd move on to another identity. Nope. This one has really stuck. He introduces himself as Max, will only answer to that name, and corrects you if you try to call him anything else. For a long time, he also called me Ruby. A few times I tried asking him, "Look, I don't mind if you call me Ruby most of the time, but will you just call me Mom ONCE, so that I know you still know who I really am?" He just looked at me like I was crazy and said, "But you're not Mom. You're Ruby!" Sigh. Thankfully, that phase did pass, and he's back to calling me Mom. (Paul still calls me Ruby, though, so there was some fallout.)

Everyone around him calls him Max--the whole family, neighbors, friends at church. His cubby and coat hook at preschool are labeled "Max," and that's the name he practices writing. I think that's just going to be his name. It's a perfectly nice name, even if it's not the one on his birth certificate. Next time you see him, make sure you call him Max!

He knows where he belongs

2008-09-28T17:46:00.001-07:00

Max: Mom, you go in the girls' bathroom, and I'm going in the heroes' bathroom!

Hiking

2008-09-28T16:38:00.001-07:00

One thing I love about living where we do now is that we don't have to go very far to enjoy scenery like this:

Katie and I fell a little behind the rest of the family on our hike.
See? There they are.

Katie wasn't too sure about getting dirty.
The boys were thrilled with the sticks they found. (One was even pre-whittled!)

We ate our picnic as the rain started.
I love fall!

Playing his position

2008-09-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

Thomas is just excited to be here and happy to help out the team.
Yes, he is on the field in the middle of a game, although I didn't get any other players in the shot--probably because they were all, you know, PLAYING THE GAME at the time.

Sometimes Thomas does actually get involved in the game at hand.

Until he takes a ball in the crotch and goes down hard, which he did right after this picture was taken. That tends to dampen his enthusiasm a bit.

Matthew the Photographer

2008-09-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

In addition to his cooking skills, Matthew has developed (hee) an interest in photography. His favorite birthday present this year was his very own camera, a Kidizoom. He's taken hundreds of photos with that thing, mostly blurry shots of the ceiling or a table leg, sometimes of his own forehead because he's holding the camera backwards. I don't have any pictures from the play camera handy, but here are a few he took the other day with the grownup camera:

Those are entirely his own effort, folks. Not bad, huh?

You've got another thing coming

2008-08-19T16:34:00.000-07:00

There is a classic song by Judas Priest called "You've got another thing comin'." You wouldn't think that something as silly as an 80s hair-band song could spark controversy, but it did just that, during a friendly game of Rock Band.

What controversy, you ask? Whether the phrase is actually "You've got another think coming." My initial argument was that thing was in the song title, end of discussion. However Sherise's side of the family maintains that the correct phrase is "think." The rationale being that it is a parallel construction, something along the lines of "If that's what you think, you've got another think coming."

Nonsense, I say. Aside from the fact that I spent way too much time during my teen years in the pursuit of rock music and fast cars, I maintain that "thing" is correct.

Since pop culture won't definitively answer the question, I must regress to something much less exciting -- grammar. I use the following points to make my case, and invite any lurking English majors to wipe the french fry grease off their usage books and tell me where I may have gone wrong.

0. Diagramming (or dissecting) the sentence:
You (subject)
have got (verb)
another thing (direct object)
coming (complement or participle phrase)

1. Start with the premise that it is incorrect usage to use a noun to replace a verb. For example: "I'll e-mail you tomorrow." The correct usage is "I'll send you an e-mail tomorrow."

2. The corollary to this rule would be that it is incorrect to use a verb to replace a noun. In the case of the phrase in question, the object of the sentence (thing) should be a noun and not a verb. My understanding is that the object of a sentence must always be a noun or pronoun.

3. If we were talking about singing, one would say "You've got another song coming," not "You've got another sing coming." If one insists on using the parallel-construction-thinking argument, the correct usage would be "You've got another thought coming," not "You've got another think coming."

4. Last time I checked, think is not a noun.

I welcome your thoughts on this matter. Perhaps you can help settle this disagreement.

Riding the Pipeline

2008-08-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

My brother Neal likes to get the family out on the mountain bikes. We've had some great adventures.

And a few misadventures, unfortunately.

This is when we we took Dad out on the Pipeline Trail for the first (and probably last) time. Dad came around a bend too fast and lost his balance and careened 30 feet or so down the hill.

One visit to the emergency clinic and a few stitches later, Dad was as good as new.

Sherise also did the same thing, but didn't fall as far - just a skinned knee.

More recently, Sherise and I both decided to get "clipless pedals" for our bikes (with ample encouragement from Neal), which is a misnomer. You actually physically attach your shoes to your pedals with a special binding (similar to a ski boot into a ski) so that they stay firmly anchored. Sherise felt comfortable enough with them after some practice to try them out on a real trail ride. What you see below is the result.

This ride resulted in another visit to the same clinic, this time to fix up Sherise's wrist. The attending physician likes to ride his mountain bike too. When Sherise explained what had happened, he said "Oh yeah, everyone has a story about when they first start to ride with clipless pedals. You know you should probably go practice more before you go for a trail ride."

Yeh.

I'm reluctant to point it out, but I will anyway. This happened BEFORE Sherise ever even got on the trail. It happened near the car in the PARKING LOT. She was a champ and got back up and pressed on to ride the trail. She fell THREE MORE TIMES.

But at least she's had lots of practice with the clipless pedals now.

CLARIFICATION FROM SHERISE:
My wrist is just sprained, not broken. I only kept the splint on for two days, and then I've mostly had it off, although if it starts to get sore by the end of the day, I'll wrap it back up. But here's an interesting tidbit: while the X-rays didn't show a fracture, it looks like I have a bone cyst in my left hand. It's probably nothing to worry about, but the doctor at the urgent care clinic recommended that I get it checked out by a hand surgeon. I've got an appointment on Monday--I'll keep you posted!

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures!

2008-08-08T08:54:00.001-07:00

We are great at taking pictures of our kids with our own cameras. We are terrible at getting professional family portraits taken. I think the last one we had done was when Matthew was a tiny baby, and he just turned 5. So a few weeks ago we got together with Pam and Ritchie, former colleagues of Paul's at Overstock and a couple of great photographers. You can see what they accomplished by running around after our very active family for two hours here.

Syrup

2008-07-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

Independence is a trait I encourage in my children. I want them to learn to do things for themselves. Katie took the initiative to pour herself some more syrup when I didn't put enough on her pancakes.

Good for her! I just wish her technique were a little better, especially since the syrup was dripping off the table and onto her chair and the floor.

The Chronicles of Narnia

2008-07-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

We had a lovely visit to Narnia last week - not the land of make-believe in the movies, this was the real deal.

This is the lamppost one sees when first entering Narnia:

And the wardrobe:

Aslan has been trapped, stuffed and mounted:

And while in Narnia, we decided to ride our mountain bikes.

Katie played with "rabbles" (marbles).

Thanks to "Uncle Bob" for inviting us up to his cabin for a wonderful visit.

Max loved it so much he didn't want to leave!

Katie gets her first quote on the blog.

2008-07-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

Mom: Where's my Katie?

Katie: I'm right here!

Mom: Are you happy?

Katie: No, I'm purple.

I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I thought it was cute.

And just now, as I was sitting at the computer typing this, she walked up to me, rubbed my shin, and said, "I wuv your leg." Then she rubbed the other one and said, "I wuv your 'nother leg."

Matthew the Chef

2008-06-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

Paul walked into the kitchen the other day to find Matthew doing this:

Chair pulled up to stove? Check.
Pan on appropriate burner? Check.
Eggs cracked neatly into pan, and shells disposed of properly? Check.
Burner turned on? Thankfully, no. He doesn't know how--yet.

I decided to give him a hand.

I have got to get this boy signed up for some cooking classes.

Thomas is 9!

2008-06-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

Here's the birthday boy with his cookies-and-cream cake.

Blowing out the candle while holding off his two younger siblings. (We ended up relighting the candle a few times so everyone could have a turn.)

Catey/Katie (we're debating the spelling of her name) thought the candle looked like a cookie.

Grandma and Grandpa gave him the old Lazer Tag set that Dad and the uncles used to play with back in the day. Those of you who know John and Nancy will not be surprised to learn that it was in mint condition.

A new Nintendo DS (half of which was his present, half of which he earned himself), Red Robin for dinner, cake, ice cream, and Lazer Tag in the dark until waaaay after bedtime. Life is good when you're nine.

Shout Out to the Lurkers

2008-06-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Sherise said to me the other day, "[Name changed to protect the innocent] told me she comes to our blog quite often and likes it. I didn't even know she KNEW about our blog."

This one comment has sent me on a quest -- to find out just how many people actually come to our blog. There are many crude devices like page view counters on people's blogs, but they don't tell you a whole lot. I decided to apply a little more technology to the process, and I've been amazed at what I've learned:

48 unique visitors have come to our site. A more accurate term would be 48 different web browsers have come to our site. At least four of them are ours (my work PC, my CrackBerry, Sherise's desktop, my desktop). But either way this means that the remaining 44 visitors are either people who like us so much that they check in on us from multiple computers, or they are unique individuals who have stopped by to see what we have to say. Either way, I'm flattered.

73% of our visitors have come back at least once. So we're not completely boring over here. Again, I'm flattered.

The "average" visitor views 1.5 pages while visiting our blog. Or another way of thinking of it, 1 in every 2 visitors looks at more than one page while they're here. Again, I'm flattered.

Our visitors span 5 different countries (in descending order of visitors):

U.S.
Belgium
China
Georgia
U.K.

Within the U.S., our traffic comes from (again in descending order):

Utah
Montana
Colorado
Washington
Virginia
California
New York
New Mexico
Pennsylvania
Nevada
New Jersey

I don't think I know anybody in Montana, New York, or Pennsylvania!

So please, leave a comment, let us know what you like, what you'd like to see more (or less) of. We want you to keep coming back.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, I am not

2008-06-16T13:39:00.000-07:00

My friend Kristy just posted here about a rhyming verse (I hesitate to call it a poem) that's always bothered her. It reminded me of my feelings about this one:

Two frogs fell into a deep cream bowl,
One was an optimistic soul;
But the other took the gloomy view,
"I shall drown," he cried, "and so will you."

So with a last despairing cry,
He closed his eyes and said, "Good-bye."
But the other frog, with a merry grin
Said, "I can't get out, but I won't give in!

I'll swim around till my strength is spent.
For having tried, I'll die content."
Bravely he swam until it would seem
His struggles began to churn the cream.

On the top of the butter at last he stopped
And out of the bowl he happily hopped.
What is the moral? It's easily found.
If you can't get out -- keep swimming around!

Every time I hear this, I think, "No, the moral is 'Always check your butter for dead frogs.'"

Whose kid are you?

2008-06-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

(The Scene: I'm getting Matthew ready for bed, and he wants to watch a movie.)

Mom: Hey buddy, let's get your teeth brushed, and we'll read a book together.

Matthew: No! Books are annoying!

Good Parenting?

2008-06-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

This is how I let my five-year-old leave the house to run some errands with me today:

Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?

Now, I think allowing a child to go out in public wearing shorts, a swim mask, and a hoodie says, "I allow my children to express their personalities in creative ways, and I'm confident enough in my parenting skills that I feel no need to force him to change just to avoid negative judgments from others we might see as we go about our business." Other people might read it as, "I'm way too lazy to find something else for my kid to wear."

I'll let you decide for yourself.

Calvin's Book

2008-06-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

Here--in his own, completely-unedited-by-a-parent words--is the story Calvin just turned in for a school project. The events he described really did happen, although I don't recall administering any beatings as he alleges. (Paul might have a different story to tell. . .)

CALVIN'S TOILET ADVENTURES

The shiny, squeaky clean toilet sat next to the white bathtub and tall counter. The counter was (or seemed) 18 inches tall. That was the perfect height for a two year old to grab something off the counter. Let’s say a razor blade.

For those of you who are wondering “How the heck did a two year old find a razor blade?” it was the plastic cartridge holding the blades. Since that’s a mouthful, I’ll just call it the razor blade. I’d seen my dad use it, but I didn’t know what it was. On a day like that, I thought it would be fun to flush stuff for sheer entertainment. Along with the razor blade, there was toilet paper, a tooth brush, and a tooth paste cap. My game was to drop the contestant in the toilet, flush the toilet, and try to retrieve the object before it was too late.

By the razor blade’s time, I was pretty proud of myself; the only object I missed was the toilet paper. Then it came the razor blade’s turn. I dropped the razor blade in the toilet, pulled the lever, and rummaged blindly through the bowl.

I don’t know if I missed the razor, or if it slipped through my fingers, but the razor blade ended up in the pipes. Using my best two year old judgment, I decided that I should scram. I really screwed up this time, so I better not get caught.

Well, life went on, and nothing happened; so I tried to act innocent rather than guilty. I did my normal routines for two or three days, until my mom ran the washing machine. When she did so, the main level toilet backed up. I was en route to use the main level toilet when said actions occurred, so it isn’t my fault I thought the earth was under attack by vicious, man-eating aliens.

What I think happened in the pipes was the razor blade entered at such an angle that it got caught in the bend. I also think that the toilet and washing machine shared a pipe with the main level toilet, and the upstairs toilet’s pipe let into that pipe. The razor blade came down the upstairs toilet pipe and got stuck in the bend.

My parents had experience with my naughtiness and knew I did something, but not what I did. They called the plumbers and made me promise to leave them alone. That very next day or so, the plumbers came and I left them alone. Before I knew it, Mom and Dad called me down to the basement. They found my last contestant, and began questioning me. Since I was only two and couldn’t really lie, I fessed up.

My punishment, you ask? Let’s just say that I couldn’t count the spankings I got. (I lost count at ten.)

After the countless “Promise me you’ll never do this again.” s, I was dismissed. Toilets and razors, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But in my bit of maniacal rage, I saw the baby (talcum) powder. I wonder........................... nah. However, ........... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Calvin and Outsourcing - Part 2

2008-05-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

First, some clarifying comments about the situation I described last night.

Chores around the house are NOT tied to compensation, one cleans one's room because it is part of living here. If chores go undone, privileges are revoked.

Separate from all this is allowance. The kids need to learn to live on a budget, learn how to save, and make some financial mistakes in a low-risk environment. Both the kids are getting much better about saving their money, so I feel like this is working.

I was really happy with this arrangement until yesterday. Calvin found the loophole, and exploited it. The requirement has always been "make sure your room is clean before {x}." We have never explicitly stated that Calvin has to clean Calvin's room. We now have to decide whether the important thing is that the work gets done or that Calvin is the one who does the work.

In another Calvin moment this evening, he is working on mathematical models to calculate the cost of various activites. For example, if he walks across the room to get something for mom, that will cost us (not him, since we buy his shoes) a couple cents. The rationale is that if a pair of shoes cost $20, there is a finite number of steps that can be taken before the shoes are worn out. By extension, the cost of each step is $20 / total finite steps that can be taken.

He's begun working on a more sophisticated model called "going to school" which calculates the cost of not only wear and tear on shoes, but wear and tear on clothes, gas consumed in driving the car to/from, lunch, etc.

He hasn't actually come out and said it, but I assume that this will all ultimately lead up to him telling us how it saves us money to let us stay home from school, or when we ask him to do something, how it actually costs us money to have him do it.

It appears that it will soon be time to introduce the corporate accounting concept of "cross-charging" where he responsible for his portion of every expense the corporation (or household in this case) incurs. In other words, we'll start charging for food and rent.

Calvin has Discovered Outsourcing

2008-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

I was doing the lawn tonight and needed some help cleaning up because it was getting dark. Thomas is trying to earn some money to buy a Nintendo DS, so I offerred to give him a couple bucks to come out and help me finish up.

Thomas then proceeds to tell me that he and Calvin have been working on a deal where Calvin will pay him "like $3/week" to do his chores for him. My initial thought was that if Calvin wants to spend his money this way, I suppose he's entitled to. But then I remembered we pay Calvin $5.50/week, so the little putz would basically be earning $2.50/week to sit around and do nothing.

I think it's time to revisit the compensation structure around here. Alternatively, I'd like to see if there's some way I could apply this technique to my situation.

Thomas has a rudimentary understanding of the birds and the bees

2008-05-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

Uncle Joel: Hey Thomas, how'd you lose your voice?

Thomas: Well, either I'm going through puberty, or I have a cold.

Calvin is on his way to becoming a Hollywood casting director

2008-05-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

Calvin surfs past an extremely dumb kids' show while watching TV.

Mom: What IS that?

Calvin: Well, I think they got a bunch of actors in a room, had them all draw straws, and the six who got the short straws had to be in this show.

A Child Rearing First

2008-04-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

You would think with four children that this would have happened to me before now, but Katie locked me out of the car yesterday. We arrived at Matthew's preschool several minutes early to pick him up, and as we waited in the driveway, she asked if she could get out of her car seat. So I undid her seat belt and let her roam free for a few minutes, and then when it was time to go in, I did what I do every single time I pick Matty up from school--I left her in the van with a movie going on the DVD player. Didn't think for one second about it. (Lest you think I'm a completely neglectful mom: the car is obviously not running when I do this, Miss Stacey's school room is at the front of the house with a large window facing the driveway, and there are several other moms picking up their kids at the same time, so I'm not leaving her totally unattended.) When I got back to the car, I found that she had climbed into the front seat and pushed the lock button, which locks every door in the van. I tried for an HOUR to get her to unlock it, to no avail.

See how close she is to the lock button? See how she's staring at it intently and moving her hand toward it, like ANY SECOND NOW she's going to figure out that all she has to do is push it up, and Mom will be able to open the door and unwrap that mini Butterfinger bar that Katie found on the front passenger seat? See the water droplets on the window that are actually melted snow that has also been melting all over Mom's back because her coat's in the car?

See the look on her face that says, "Why do you keep pointing at the bottom edge of the window? Why are you hopping around like a crazy person? What exactly do you want me to do here? I already pointed to the Honda logo like you apparently wanted. What is this 'button' you keep talking about? Can you please just open the door and unwrap this Butterfinger already?"

Thank goodness Paul's office is only about 10 minutes away, or I would have been up a creek. I don't know what would have been more expensive and/or embarrassing, a call to the police, a locksmith, or repairing a smashed window.

(Thanks to Miss Stacey for the photos!)

It's a boy!

2008-04-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

And it's not ours!!

Congrats to Neal and Alanna!

Photo taken by Paul

Delicious Irony

2008-03-21T16:19:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I can't decide if people have a twisted sense of humor or if they're completely oblivious. I made two phone calls today, and had to hold both times. In both cases, the hold music was particularly apropos:

1. Call to a mobile phone company. The hold music? Van Morrison's Precious Time.
It doesn’t matter what route you take
Sooner or later the hearts going to break
No rhyme or reason, no master plan
No nirvana, no promised land

Because, precious time is slipping away
You know you’re only king for a day
It doesn’t matter to which God you pray
Precious time is slipping away

2. Call to a heating company, to have some work done on my furnace. The hold music? Phil Collins' Tonight, tonight
I got some money in my pocket, about ready to burn
I don't remember where I got it, I gotta get it to you
So please answer the phone, cuz I keep calling, but you're never home
What am I gonna do
Tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm gonna make it right
Tonight, tonight, tonight.

I don't think people at the phone company or a couple heating guys could be this clever if they tried, which in my mind makes it just that much funnier/ironic.

What funny hold music have you had to listen to?

What our kids think we do when they're not around

2008-03-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

Family Friend: What do you think your mom does at night after you go to sleep?

Calvin: She fights crime!

**************

(We have someone coming to the house mid-morning to give us a bid on some HVAC work.)

Paul: I can't decide if I should go into the office for half the morning or just work from home.

Calvin: Stay home and work on your ninja skills!

Redecorating

2008-03-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

Katie and Max enjoy helping us redecorate. Only problem is that they do it without consulting us first.

Max prefers to use latex paint on plain wall as his artistic medium. Notice the nice straight strokes:

Katie prefers magic marker on anything:

Say what you will, you can't accuse us of stifling our children's creativity.

Thomas is getting in the Christmas spirit early this year

2008-03-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

A new song composed by my second-born.

Bow down, bow down
To the power of Santa.
Or be crushed, be crushed
By his jolly boots of doom.

I feel like I've just been serviced

2008-02-13T16:52:00.000-08:00

You'll remember from my previous post on this subject that we were stuck with no phone or internet (through no fault of our own), and I took matters into my own hands and self-serviced.

There have been some developments in the last few days. First, was a very long, detailed voice mail message on my phone at work yesterday. The caller was a PR person in the executive suite at QWEST who went out of her way to explain the Local Number Portability (LNP) process in agonizing detail. She then confirmed service would be restored today, and invited me to call her back if I had any further questions/concerns.

I decided to take her up on her offer, as I still had some questions that her message didn't answer. I didn't really need the overview of how LNP works, as I was familiar with it from my consulting days when I worked at AMS.

Much to my suprise, when I called back, she answered her phone, and was very pleasant and articulate. Our conversation went something like this (I will paraphrase a bit):

Paul - How did this happen and who did it?

Qworst Lady - Your phone number was requested to be ported by First Digital on 1/23.

P - Okay fine, but who are these guys?

Q - Don't know, but you can call them and find out.

Nice.

P - Why wasn't I notified before you switched off my service?

Q - LNP requires that a phone number be immediately ported if a valid port request with all the confirmed account information is given to the carrier. The carrier cannot contact the customer to confirm port requests before doing them, because "waiting to contact customer" could be used an excuse never to port a customer's number -- that is, if carriers were all allowed to contact the customer before switching service, then carriers would have no incentive to really try to contact customers, and would just let the process linger, thereby extending their revenue stream.

P - Hmmm, I *guess* I understand why you didn't call me, but how was my complete contact information provided, if I didn't initiate the request?

Q - I don't know, but you can get hold of First Digital - see if they can explain it.

Great.

P - What's to prevent this from happening again?

Q - Short answer, this could happen again -- but don't be overly alarmed, it was probably just a clerical error.

????

Q - You know, this seems to be happening a lot more often now - it's sort of like long distance slamming in the late 80s/early 90s. This process could probably be improved.

No kidding.

P - So you're saying there's nothing to prevent this from happening again?

Q - Well, you can call customer service and have them block your number from being switched or ported. Then no changes can be made to your account without your authorization.

Seems to me like this should be the normal way to handle these things, not by request.

P - But you don't set this up automatically for all new customers or anything?

Q - No, often our customers don't want to have to call us to make changes to their accounts.

Geez, I wonder why.

P - Can you do that for me now?

Q - Not until your service is established, then you'll have to call customer service to put the block on. You might want to think about doing that.

Yeh.

P - Well, I appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions, you didn't call me back within 48 hours like your customer service people promised, though.

Q - Oh, I was responding to your complaint filed with the FCC and PUC of Utah. I responded within the time frame required by law.

Ohhhhhhhh. There, my friends, is an important life lesson. If you're unhappy with the service (or lack thereof) provided by a monolithic utility, don't waste your time with the customer service folks, put your tax dollars to work.

Qworst lady DID let me know that they would be crediting my bill for one month's service because of the inconvenience.

Fast-forward to this morning. Qwest called Sherise on her cell phone to confirm they would be coming out today to re-establish service. About an hour later, the phone was turned back on. Hooray.

After she called to report this to me, I decided to call the First Digital people to see what I could learn. Again, paraphrasing my conversation:

F - Thank you for calling First Digital, how can I help you?

P - Your company ported my number away from Qwest without my permission. Could you help me figure out how this happened?

F - Sure. What's your phone number?

P - 801-XXX-XXXX.

F - Okay, our records show that number was ported back to Qwest yesterday.

P - Right. But, how did you guys get my information to request my number initially?

F - I don't know, but somebody probably just typed your number in wrong.

P - But Qwest tells me they will only port if they receive the correct name, address, and phone number. How would you know my name and address?

F - We only have to provide the phone number - Qwest would have completed that information.

Nice. Glad to see the new phone company is as good at blaming the other company as Qwest is. They'll go far.

P - Fine. I need you to confirm you're not going to be billing me for this.

F - Correct - an account was never set up for you because the port did not complete successfully.

P - Are you guys going to request my number back and put me through this again? I need you to confirm that you aren't going to try to take back my number.

F - No, your number is no longer in our system. But I would recommend you call Qwest and have them block your number so it can't be ported or switched. In fact, funny thing, this has happened to me like three times. I kept porting my number away from Qwest and they kept porting it back. I finally had to block my number. It's a really good idea.

Fan-freaking-tastic. So the one thing both companies agree on is that this LNP thing really doesn't work all that well. And it sounds like my options are:

1. Block my number and it won't get stolen, but then I can't port it to Vonage.
2. Hurry up and port it to Vonage, but then Qwest will probably fork the whole thing up and just take my number back anyway.

Tomorrow I'll call Vonage and see if they allow customers to block their numbers.

There has been one nice side benefit to having my phone number disconnected - the phone didn't ring, and I didn't have to talk to anybody from Church. I'll miss that.

The Food Fighters

2008-02-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

When I came home from work last night, I was very surprised to see something that probably wouldn't even pass for a garage band in my Family Room. Sherise picked up Rock Band as a Valentines's Day present for the family. The original idea was to wait until Feb 14 to open it, but the resolve quickly passed, and what you see below is the result.

The family that plays together stays together.

Spirit of [dis]Service

2008-02-08T15:22:00.000-08:00

I write today about Qwest, also known as Qworst or Qweerest.

You see, our phone and internet service with QWEST was shut off the night of 2/4. When we called the next morning, QWEST confirmed that our bill was current, but our number was being ported to another carrier, and that was the reason for being disconnected.

Problem is, we never requested having our service ported. So we asked QWEST who initiated the request, and to which carrier. We were told they had that information but were not allowed to share it (nice). We asked about having our service restored, we were told the port had to complete, and then service would be restored 5-6 business days after that.

I asked to escalate the matter, as this is completely unacceptable, and was told someone would call me back within 48 hours. It's been three days, and yup, you guessed it, never hapened.

So there we were, with no phone and no internet through absolutely no fault of our own, and the phone company didn't seem particularly motivated to do anything about it. I should add that I have to work from home a fair amount during evenings and weekends, and this would likely force me to drive into work at odd hours when something comes up. I couldn't sit still knowing I pay these people nearly $1000/year for phone and internet access, to receive such poor service.

So I took action.

I filed a complaint with the FCC and PUC of Utah.

Then I called the people at Comcast cable. I asked about their Internet service. It's over twice as fast as my old DSL line and costs $5/month more. They said they could be out the next day to install it. Done.

Then I stopped by CompUsa and picked up a Vonage VOIP adapter. Activation took 5 minutes. Once the internet was up running again, it took 5 minutes to connect to my router, and I was making phone calls. A Vonage line is $10 - $15/month cheaper than a Qwest line, depending on the features.

So, I solved my internet problem and my phone problem over a week faster than the supposed experts BY MYSELF. And my internet service is twice as fast as before, and I'm now saving somewhere between $5 and $10/month.

Ironically, the president of the Utah division sent us a letter in the mail, letting us know we were one of their best customers, and don't hesitate to let the company know if there's anything they can do for us.

I'm going to take his letter, staple my first month's bills to it, and mail it back to him, thanking him for setting me free. Maybe the company *IS* service-oriented, and I just failed to see it.

I left my [wife for] San Francisco

2008-01-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

Well not permanently or anything.

You see, I was invited to speak at a sales conference hosted by the fine folks at GoldenGate Software. This had been pre-arranged some time ago, and I thought it would be a non-event. What I didn't know was that I was the keynote speaker at this conference. I guess they didn't want to burden me with that pressure.

Anyway, they say getting there is half the fun. I wholeheartedly disagree, but staying there was ALL the fun. I will explain.

Monday past, we received the largest snow storm in quite some time here in the SLC. The official measurement was 16 inches at my house. 14 of them had fallen on the ground by the time I needed to leave for the airport. I taught Sherise how to use the snowblower and then let her make a hole while I showered and finished getting ready to leave. The fine folks at Delta reassured me that despite the large snowfall in such a short time, that my flight was still on time.

So I had Sherise drive me to the airport. My rationale being that the time saved not having to figure out parking on a very messy snowy day would give me the precious extra time I would need to offset the longer drive time due to weather. This proved to be academic. While having her drive me certainly saved time and frustration, the fine folks at Delta announced 10 minutes before boarding that our plane had not yet left San Francisco. And oh, by the way, it's approximately a 2-hour flight. In other words, they knew 2 hours before scheduled boarding that the plane was going to be late but didn't bother to let anyone know. Did you know that DELTA is an acronym for Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport?

There was one other problem with having Sherise drive me - she couldn't get back home. The 14 inches on the ground when we left were 16 by the time she got back home. Only problem was the snow was still on the road leading up to our house. And the snowplow hadn't been by yet. And it's uphill to our house. You can see where this is going, Sherise got stuck trying to turn into our street. With the help of a neighbor, she dug herself out and was able to get back onto the main road.

He suggested that she go around the block once, and then take a big run at it. She tried that. And got about 20 feet further up the street than she did last time. She called me and asked me what to do - I suggested that she back out, turn off the traction control, and take an even bigger run at it. She did that too. And got about 20 feet further still.

Sherise managed to get the car over to the side of the road where she parked it and hoofed it back to the house. Another neighbor watched the whole thing (from the comfort of their home) and offered to help get the car back to the house. The solution? He'd fire up his snowblower, Sherise would fire up ours, and they'd dig - he from the car, she from our driveway and they'd meet somewhere in the middle. And that's just what they did.

I want a refund on my property taxes.

Anyway, after 3 hours of delay, I finally got on the plane and left the SLC for San Francisco. Upon landing, I found a nice guy holding a sign with my name on it, and a lovely Town Car to take me to the St. Regis Hotel downtown.

The cool part was the hotel itself. I've stayed in a lot of hotels through all my years as a traveling consultant. Some were very nice, some were holes. They all suck compared to this place. These guys thought of everything when they designed the rooms. The lights turn on automatically when you open the door to your room. The alarm clock controls every light, the window shades, the climate system, the TV, and the media center. It even knows your name:

They also solved one of the age-old problems present in every hotel room I've ever seen in a very clever way. Finally, you can have the big bathtub right next to the bed (where it belongs) but also provide privacy as needed:

Brilliant.

The view out the window was also quite nice:

The sweet little girls in GoldenGate's marketing organization who coordinated the whole thing also left a HUGE gift basket full of every kind of chocolate Ghirardelli makes:

As for the rest of the trip, it was much like attending any of the other conferences I've gone to. The feedback on my presentation was good. The food/socializing/etc at the conference was good. I got to explore the city for a couple hours the next morning. The trip home was boring. You can hardly see my house from the street because of the huge snowdrift in front of it.

And I really like downtown San Francisco.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T22:57:00.000-08:00

The holidays are always fun.

This past week has featured at least 3 forays outside with the snowblower and high temperatures below freezing. Winter is finally upon us. We need the snow so that people from out of state can come and ski on our mountains, and so we can meet our legal obligations to ship our water to Nevada and California (who don't appreciate it, but are happy to waste it).

Cleaning the dreaded basement finally percolated up to the top of the to-do list this past week (remind me NOT to take vacation days unless I'm going somewhere), and the junk has been a-flyin. Highlights of the treasures found so far:
- My 1992 COBOL text book from college
- Hate mail from the parents of the girl who was not accepted into Madrigals when Sherise was teaching high school choir
- Multiple Franklin Planners and binders of "archived" pages
- A trash can full of ... trash
- A dead plant
- Marketing swag for large companies that no longer exist, such as MediaOne Cable, AT&T Broadband, and American Management Systems

We really shoulda cleaned out the basement before letting the big burly movers come and pack it all up.

However, there were some high points. Sherise's brother and his family came to visit, and his kids and our kids couldn't have been any happier if they were pigs in $@!+. We were pleasantly surprised to see that they have been training their (almost) three-year-old to be a cage fighter:

Video footage comes courtesy of Calvin.

The Intersection of Holidays and Technology

2007-12-27T23:40:00.000-08:00

Sherise got a digital camcorder for Christmas.

Our first experiment follows - given that Katie wasn't into it, the light was bad, and neither of us know anything about digital camcorders and editing, we're feeling rather chuffed.

Oh yeah.

Stay tuned right here for funny stories, pictures, and now videos as well.

I Just Spent Twenty Minutes Picking Glass Shards Out Of My Oven: Why Multi-Tasking In The Kitchen Is Usually A Bad Idea

2007-12-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

Q: If

You are doing holiday baking.
The bread you're making requires a water bath.
You're a little distracted because you're preparing several different recipes at the same time.
You decide that rather than transport a pan full of water from the sink to the oven, you will put the Pyrex dish into the oven and then pour the water into it.
You allow the glass dish to reach the oven temperature, which is 400 degrees.
You then pour hot tap water (approximately 120 degrees) into the preheated glass dish.

Do you know what happens?

A: Yep.

Conversation on the way to Dairy Queen

2007-12-18T14:47:00.000-08:00

Mom: Can you hear that Snickers Blizzard calling to me?

Calvin: Yeah, it's saying, "Sherise, don't have me! Go on a diet!"

No loaves here, but a miracle with a fish!

2007-12-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

This is Spotty the goldfish.

Before you start rolling your eyes, I have to explain that this fish is more than just a fish. We’ve had this thing for over two years. It was a birthday party favor received by Thomas from his very very bestest friend in the whole world. Spotty was only an inch or so long when we got him (we refer to him as a “he,” although we have no idea how to tell fishy gender), and now he’s probably five inches long, plus another couple inches of very pretty flowing fanlike tail. He’s quite beautiful, and people often comment on what a cool-looking fish he is. We even moved this thing from Colorado to Utah when our family moved a year and a half ago, propping the half-full aquarium between the front seats of the minivan, keeping an eye on the thermometer and dropping in ice cubes when the temperature rose too high. We’re very attached to this little fish, especially Thomas, because it’s a symbol of his friendship with the aforementioned very very bestest friend in the whole world.

So, two weeks ago, Paul's brother was at our house watching football (yay BYU!!), and he caught a small spider in the family room. He thought it would make a nice snack for the fish, so he dropped it into the aquarium. (BIL is a fish enthusiast who has several tanks of his own, so he’s not just an idiot who tried to kill my kid’s fish on purpose!) I wasn’t aware of this, as I was out grocery shopping at the time. I got home less than an hour after the spider snack, and as I was unloading groceries onto the kitchen counter, I happened to glance over at the fish tank, where I saw to my horror that Spotty was floating belly-up! He’d been fine before I left, so we can only assume that the tasty little spider snack did him in. Paul, BIL and I tried to revive the little guy (no, we did NOT do fishy CPR), but he was gone. Our poor beautiful fish!

I knew Thomas was going to be completely devastated, so when he came in from playing at a friend’s house, I headed him off before he saw the tank, took him into another room, and broke the news that his pet had died. I held him as he sobbed and sobbed, and I felt awful. Thomas is an extremely intense, emotional, tender-hearted kid who takes things very hard. Plus, this fish wasn’t just a fish, it was a reminder of his best friend, who now lives several hundred miles away.

After Thomas had calmed down a bit, we had to figure out how to lay our fishy friend to rest, because simply flushing him would have been traumatic for our boy. Thomas decided he'd like to bury Spotty in the backyard. I went to the tank to get the fish out, and I saw that Spotty was still breathing! Oh great, now we couldn’t even give the thing a proper sendoff because he wasn’t dead yet. He was still floating motionless at the surface, but his mouth and gills were moving, and every few minutes he’d struggle to move, but he’d give up and lie there again. We didn’t want to mercy-kill him, so we figured we’d just wait a few minutes for him to expire. Well, an hour went by, and he was still breathing. Two hours, three, it got to be evening, he was still alive. We started to hope that maybe he’d recover once the spider toxins left his system. That hope died when he sank to the bottom of the tank and lay there on his back, unable to move. Aw, shoot. But lo and behold, at bedtime—still alive. Okay, we thought, we’d bury him before church on Sunday morning. Morning came, and you guessed it, he’s STILL breathing! He’s still just lying on the bottom of the tank, but every once in a while he manages to wiggle his body and get into a different position before flopping over helpless again. Now we’re wondering if it’s cruel to let him suffer like this. Well, surely he’s going to die soon, so let’s just let him pass on his own instead of killing him ourselves. We go to church, come home expecting the worst, but guess what? Still alive!

I forgot to mention that when we first figured out that he hadn’t died yet, Paul, Thomas and I went to a quiet room and had a little prayer that Spotty wouldn’t suffer, that we’d really like him to be healed, but if not, please let him die quickly and painlessly. Since then I had had a constant prayer in my thoughts: “Okay, I know that one little goldfish isn’t that big a deal, but my son’s relationship with his uncle IS a big deal. And my BIL’s mental health and well-being is a VERY big deal. If it isn’t contrary to your will, could you please please please heal this little fish? Please?” As Sunday drew to a close and Spotty was still alive, I started to wonder if my prayers were actually going to be answered! I was still afraid to get my hopes up too much, though.

Well, Monday morning, he was still alive. He wasn't looking great, but I thought he might be slightly better than he had been the night before. He was still crashing to the bottom of the tank, but most of the time he could at least keep himself upright instead of flopping over onto his back or side. As the day wore on, he got more and more active, and by the time the kids got home from school, he looked nearly normal. And by Monday night at bedtime, he was swimming around his tank like nothing had ever happened to him! We couldn't believe it! Now, nearly two weeks later, he's better than ever. The Lord cares about a goldfish! Or, more to the point, He cares about my son and his uncle, and is willing to answer prayers about a silly fish when He knows how much it will impact two of His precious sons.

Long live Spotty!

It's [supposedly] the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2007-12-06T22:02:00.001-08:00

I'm down on Christmas right now. Since I work for a major online retailer, this is absolutely the worst time of the year. I'm trying not to complain -- I mean I have a good job, and I don't work near the hours of some of my colleagues in the warehouse who are actually trying to make sure the elves get their goodies to their final destination in time for Christmas. But the visions of fresh snow, beautiful lights, and wonderful surprises have all been replaced by words like "year over year sales growth," "contribution margin," "fulfillment scores," and "revenue by channel."

Only now do I really understand why my dear Dad says that his idea of hell is having to listen to the hymns for the rest of eternity. Work has a way of taking the luster off anything. Said differently, stay out of the kitchen if you don't want to see how the sausage is made.

Two friends of mine, "Vern" and AntiCruiser have two other very compelling reasons to think twice about the meaning of Christmas. Vern points out that the whole gift giving/decorating thing is pretty far off the mark and very contrary to what Christmas is all about. I'm not going to stop giving gifts (or receiving them), but she makes a good point.

However AntiCruiser has meticulously documented a Christmas gift that has seriously gone off the rails. I'll be brutally honest. At first I thought he was looking a gift horse in the mouth. However this "gift" passed "sweater that I'll never wear but can't take back" status some time back in April.

Now that the day of reckoning looms, one can finally see the true metamorphosis from un-needed gift, to unwanted gift, to inconvenience, to unhealthy situation, to a true disaster. And some very obsessive behavior on the part of the gift giver. I'm not a screenwriter, but I know funny when I see it, and this has farce written all over it. Although nobody in the cast will be laughing.

So for Christmas this year, my gift to AntiCruiser and his family will be praying for their very souls, and for their sanity.

And I think Vern might be right.

2007-11-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

Conversation in the car while dropping the two older boys off at school.

Mom: What's that teacher's name who's in the crosswalk right now, guys?
Calvin: I don't know, but I know she teaches second grade.
Thomas: And she's always smiling. It kind of creeps me out.

Happy Diwali

2007-11-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

Hima and Chandra are friends of ours. I've worked with both of them since late 2005/early 2006.

Paul with Chandra and Hima

Hima came to work Friday dressed in a sari, and reminded me that Diwali was that same day. Before that point, all I knew about Diwali was what I had learned on The Office. Of course, I knew there had to be more to it than that, so I invited myself (and the rest of the family) to the Hindu temple so we could observe the festivities first-hand.

We had a very difficult time finding the temple - turns out it's on Hindu Temple Lane (of course). And sitting literally in the shadow of a much larger (and less culturally interesting) temple.

View Larger Map

There were some fun things for kids to do - they had lots of fireworks that the kids could go and light (Diwali is also referred to as the festival of light), the children were allowed to go into the temple and ring the big bell, and there was food to eat.

There were also lights on something that looked suspiciously like a Christmas Tree. I did not think to ask Hima or Chandra what the names of the lights or tree are (I probably couldn't pronounce it anyway).

Max posing near the holiday tree/light thingy

Katie also enjoyed the festivities, as long as Mommy was holding her. She didn't know what to think of all the people in traditional Indian clothes, loud fireworks or other celebrations. She finally warmed up to Hima right as we were getting ready to leave.

Thomas somehow couldn't find anything fun or interesting to do.

We must be mean, awful parents to drag our kids off to a party where you can celebrate the triumph of good over evil, light fireworks and eat free food.

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T20:25:00.001-07:00

Some assorted highlights of this Halloween season.

This is one of the second grade teachers at Thomas' school. This is a SWEET costume, IMHO. Some fine make-up work as well. And she likes Star Wars. No wonder Thomas likes her.

Sherise and I are whores for Chipotle. If you've had a burrito there, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you really must go and try one.

As it turns out, if you were willing to make a fool of yourself and dress up like a burrito for Halloween, they'd give you one for free, just so they could have a laugh at your expense. We were willing to sacrifice our dignity for a free burrito!

Notice the high-tech costumes. If you look closely at the full sized photo, you can see our favorite style of burrito hand-written on the foil -- just like a real Chipotle burrito!

Calvin and his buddies went trick-or-treating tonight. Pillaging or plundering might be a better description. Calvin counted 410 pieces of candy as his take this evening.

Katie Doesn't Care for Her Halloween Costume

2007-10-31T09:23:00.003-07:00

Either that, or she just likes to strip in public.

I Am Not a True Sports Fan

2007-10-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

Contrary to what you might think after seeing the pictures that follow, I am not a big sports fan - especially when it comes to baseball.

I have been a true bandwagon fan when it comes to the Colorado Rockies. Truth be told, I didn't even know that they were setting the post-season world aflame until I caught some mention that they would be playing the Arizona Snakes - I mean DiamondBacks - for all the National League marbles. Suddenly all the Rockies SWAG I accumulated over the 12 years I lived in Colorado came out of closets and boxes and went with me to work, prominently displayed in and around my office. At least I could try to "look" like a true fan.

Of course once someone came by to ask me about the team and started talking details, the gig was up. I couldn't name a single person on the team. Last time I could actually name a player on the team was 1997 when Larry Walker and Dante Bichette were the only two names I knew because I picked up mugs with their likenesses over the course of a few weeks whenever I went to Arby's for lunch. I found out last night that Dante Bichette was at the park - but I thought that was as a player, not as a spectator who, as it turns out, played for both the Rockies and the Sox.

So why, one might ask, did I go to Game 4 of the 2007 World Series? So I could say I did.

Sherise and I have really enjoyed watching the last 8 games of the Rockies' postseason. In fact we were staying up later than we would normally, just so we could take in every minute of it. We got caught up in the euphoria - it was an excuse to call old friends in Colorado, just so we had something to talk about.

Another friend of mine, Jack (who has been my boss, then my customer, then my boss again, and now I'm his customer) called me on Wednesday to let me know he probably had an extra ticket to the World Series on Sunday and would I like to go? Sure, I told him, but let me check with Sherise.

When I told Sherise, she said "You HAVE to go!" I wasn't sure at first, but she asked "When will you ever have another chance to go to the World Series?" This got me thinking about that list of "Things I'd like to do before I die" and I realized that with mid-life crisis looming, now was probably about as good a time as any to start on that list.

Honestly, I don't think "Go to a World Series baseball game" would have actually been an entry on that list, but since I haven't ever assembled that list, this seemed like a great opportunity to start the list and summarily scratch off the first item straight away. :)

So it was that I found myself taking a VERY familiar flight from the SLC to Denver to see my favorite baseball team play in the World Series. Now, I should mention that I had actually been to several Rockies games over the course of the years I lived in Denver, and one of my best memories is sitting behind home plate on the upper deck with my two boys while Sherise sang the National Anthem at Coors Field with 100 of her best friends.

So enough with the narrative, here are the pictures of the highlights:

No event/attraction is complete without mimes posing for money.

And inside the park:

The national anthem with a big-ass flag. The bald head you see here belongs to a very drunk Boston Red Sox fan:

And what about the game? Well, I had imagined it to be something like the Mecca of the baseball world, the Holy Grail. Once I was there, well, it felt exactly like any other Rockies game I had ever been to. I enjoyed being there, but it didn't feel particularly special. It was kinda like going to Church with a friend who belongs to a different church than the one you go to. You know it's really important, but it doesn't "feel" important. I almost feel guilty for having gone but not breathing in every second, feeling like I was part of baseball history.

Maybe that's because they didn't win.